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FLAGSTAFF, Ariz. 鈥�  can conjure a familiar scene: adults crammed into child-size chairs, listening to teachers run through a list of students鈥� achievements and struggles.

For many families, they can also mean frustration. Today鈥檚 school conferences are sometimes 15 to 20 minutes, with little time for parents to ask their own questions. Adults may arrive with their own baggage about their time in school. They may be worried about being judged or dreading what a teacher may say about their child. 

For teachers, conferences can mean pressure to give a snapshot of a child鈥檚 progress, with the next opportunity to connect months away 鈥� if at all.

The conference may be brief, but it can set the tone for a family鈥檚 relationship and partnership with the teacher. Parents, teachers and school administrators have these tips to make the conference productive and help build a stronger connection between home and school.

Communicate early and figure out what works

Schools typically offer several early opportunities for parents and teachers to connect, from meet-the-teacher events and  nights to open houses. By the time conferences are on the calendar, parents and teachers should already be communicating.

But sometimes it can take weeks, or even months, to hear from your child鈥檚 teacher, who must establish relationships with dozens of families. Don鈥檛 wait, say parents and teachers alike. Take the initiative and reach out yourself.

鈥淒o you want to set your child up for success? It鈥檚 a yes or no. And if it鈥檚 a yes, then you have to be very involved,鈥� said Bell White, a Houston mother of two.

When her son Lennox, now 8, was in preschool, four teachers came and went during the school year. White quickly learned how important it was to stay engaged with the school.

Since then, she has introduced herself to each of her son鈥檚 teachers at the first opportunity, even if virtually. She tells them how she prefers to communicate 鈥� whether over email, phone or via a school app 鈥� and when she鈥檚 most reachable. 

Technology can make it easier for parents with multiple children or busy schedules to stay connected and for teachers to send quick messages or reminders. But with , some parents say it helps to establish a preferred way to communicate.

Early in the relationship, parents and teachers should focus on building trust, said J.B. Robinson, a clinical psychologist and dean of students at National University in San Diego. Positive interactions are like putting money into a relationship bank that can be drawn on when challenges arise, he said. For parents, that can mean showing interest in the classroom and recognizing the effort that goes into creating a positive learning environment. Teachers can similarly begin with questions about the individual child, rather than immediately moving into classroom expectations or academic performance.

Whatever the nature of your first communication with a teacher, try not to worry that you鈥檙e bothering the teacher. Your child鈥檚 growth is the priority, and communicating with you is part of the teacher鈥檚 job.

Make the time count

Parent-teacher conferences are designed to address students鈥� academic and social progress, identify concerns and discuss what comes next, but there may not be time to cover everything parents or teachers want to discuss.

鈥淭he teacher and the parent need to go in with realistic expectations as to what can actually be accomplished in one parent-teacher conference and see that more as a starting point for a conversation,鈥� said Robinson, the psychologist.

The meetings can also be ripe for tension. Teachers may be having dozens of back-to-back conferences, while parents may arrive with weeks鈥� worth of questions, all seemingly valid. Depending on the school and the child鈥檚 grade, some teachers follow a set agenda, with presentation slides, packets or lists of topics to cover.

Emily Henderson, who teaches first and second grade at BASIS Charter School in Flagstaff, Arizona, says her conversations are mostly individualized, with some focusing more on academics and others on social-emotional needs.

鈥淲e use parent-teacher conferences to really talk about strengths, talk about weaknesses of students, and then come up with a plan together to address those concerns or address those needs,鈥� Henderson said.

Given time constraints, parents should come with just a few thoughtful questions, teachers say. But remember this is a starting point. It鈥檚 totally reasonable to set up another conference later in the year, even if your school doesn鈥檛 have one scheduled. Or you can continue the conversation online or over the phone.

What to do if your kid is present

Some schools recommend that students join the conference, and in other cases, a parent may want to bring them along 鈥� or need to, if they lack child care. For younger students, teachers recommend asking in advance whether they should attend, if that is an option. If you do plan to bring the student or younger siblings, let the teacher know ahead of time so they can prepare for a more engaging meeting or set up a few distractions.

If younger students are present, it is up to administrators and teachers to engage them and speak directly to them, said Kellie Hintze, head of school at BASIS Flagstaff.

鈥淲hen I have younger students at a meeting, we typically have a mini meeting with the student and the parent,鈥� she said. 鈥淭hen we can dive a little deeper or have those long, drawn-out conversations that a student wouldn鈥檛 want to be a part of or be able to focus through.鈥�

Older students have more agency over their learning and are better positioned to contribute to discussions about their progress, challenges and possible next steps, experts say.

鈥淲e鈥檙e doing students a disservice when we鈥檙e not teaching them how to advocate, when we are not teaching them those communication skills, to have the tough conversations when they need to be had,鈥� said Kendrick Friendly, who is a high school assistant principal with Denver Public Schools. 鈥淭his is a safe space for those conversations to happen.鈥�

Questions to consider

Parents don鈥檛 need to arrive with a long list of questions. A few thoughtful ones can help clarify what a teacher considers success, what they are seeing in the classroom, what support is available and how to stay connected throughout the year.

Consider asking:

1. How do you prefer to communicate with parents, and how often should we check in?

2. What does success look like for my child this year?

3. How do you identify when a student is falling behind, and who should I speak with about getting additional support?

4. What are you noticing about my child that I might not see at home?

Leave with a plan

Parent-teacher conferences do not resolve every concern, but they should identify next steps, whether those are regular check-ins, strategies for improved behavior or additional resources, such as tutors, specialized instruction or extracurricular activities.

Before leaving, make sure everyone knows what happens next, who is responsible for it and when you鈥檒l check back in. Don鈥檛 be afraid to request another conference later in the year. Remember: Your child鈥檚 growth is the priority, and it will take everyone in the room to get there.

This story was originally published by The Associated Press

The Associated Press鈥� education coverage receives financial support from multiple private foundations. AP is solely responsible for all content. Find AP鈥檚  for working with philanthropies, a  of supporters and funded coverage areas at AP.org.

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