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Sending children off to their first semester of life away from home can be a nerve-racking experience for many parents and guardians. The world somehow feels scarier today than it was when they went off to college — or at least, social media makes it appear that way. 

As a result, today’s parents understandably seek to maintain a constant connection with their children. With FaceTime and Life360 at their fingertips, there is a real temptation to hover — even after college drop-off. But despite the best of intentions, this level of engagement can have detrimental effects on a new freshman’s adjustment to college and to navigating the world as an adult.

In my work in student affairs, I have watched thousands of young people make the leap from nervous first-years to confident graduates. I serve as a point of contact for families as well, which has taught me a lot about which parent behaviors set students up for success and which might unwittingly hold them back. While it can be challenging for parents to learn to let go, empowering children to discover their own community and thrive on their own will pay dividends down the line. 

Here are some steps to take for helping your child thrive in college and beyond: 

Start early. Preparing children to live independently goes much more smoothly if they have gradually taken on more responsibility before college. Too often, I’ve encountered first-years who have never cooked a meal or done their own laundry. Practicing independent-living skills while still at home ensures that kids arrive at school ready to manage their own affairs. Let them book their own doctor’s appointments and complete school forms — you can help them problem-solve, if needed. My 8th- and 11th-graders have managed their morning routines since they were old enough to stay home alone, as my husband and I left for work before they left for school. They got themselves ready: packing lunch, walking the dog and getting themselves off to class. If you’ve watched your children figure out how to perform these kinds of tasks in the past, you can drop them off on campus confident that they’ll be able to do them again. 

Be a good listener. By the time a child is in college, the parent’s role shifts to the back seat.  The child becomes the driver, and the parent is there to help them make decisions and find solutions to life’s problems. When children share a challenge or struggle, let them find their own answers by asking them questions to help them consider options and alternatives, without offering a solution of your own. The inclination to step in is understandable, given today’s academic pressures, social challenges and competitive job market. But young adults have always had to navigate these minefields. Making mistakes early, in a supportive environment like college, helps young adults find their own motivations. With emotional support instead of direction, students can make mistakes and forge a path forward, honing the critical life skill of resilience.  

Your role is changing, not ending. Maybe your child is struggling with a difficult courseload or did poorly on an exam. Some parents wonder if they should contact a professor directly. The answer is no. Parents should never reach out to faculty on behalf of their child. Instead, they can provide support; consider helping your child practice a conversation with the professor. Encourage your child to seek extra help if needed, to take advantage of available academic resources and, of course, to talk to professors to manage their workload and opportunities for extra credit. Then let your student handle it.

Give them space. There’s a reason parents’ weekends aren’t scheduled until several weeks into the semester. The first few weeks after orientation provide the biggest social opportunities of the year, as new students explore the campus and local community together and make connections with their peers. Offering to visit or — worse — bringing students home during those first critical weeks will disrupt this important chance for bonding with classmates and creating a support network. Some homesickness is to be expected. The best way for students to stop feeling homesick is to get engaged at school — with clubs, sports and other activities. 

Trust the process. College administrators and faculty want nothing more than to see graduates succeed. We don’t and can’t offer special treatment the way a parent might, but it is important for families to realize that our only agenda is to see young people thrive. Even in challenging moments, when students are being held accountable or told “no,” the overarching strategy is to set them up for success. My college, Stevens Institute of Technology, has a required First-Year Experience course to help new students navigate the transition to campus life. They are taught to manage their time, start planning for a career and to overcome traditional obstacles of early adulthood. The goal is to equip them with the skills they need to live a fulfilling life — just as a parent does. 

Most missteps on the path to adulthood aren’t emergencies. Parents do the hard work of helping their children make it to college, where they can begin the work of preparing for adult life. The relationship they build doesn’t disappear at the campus gates; it evolves. Allowing for some emotional and physical distance between you and your college-aged child may seem harsh, but it can be the most thoughtful and supportive approach to parenting a young adult.   

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